MISSION STATEMENT
12 мая 2588, существо, известное нам как SCP-УБУ прибыло в наш мир и разгромило его вхлам, руководствуясь ничем, кроме злобы и самоудовлетворения.
Вскоре после этого был основан Проект Белуха как совместная инициатива Глобальной оккультной коалиции и Фонда SCP с целью уничтожения УБУ.
УБУ — не просто угроза человеческой безопасности. Он1 является противоположным всему приятному и доброму, что может представить себе человек. Вместо того, чтобы нас убить, он хочет уничтожить качество нашей жизни, чтобы утолить свои мерзкие жажды.
Представьте себе это: Вкус мороженого. Игра с вашей собакой. То, как вы себя чувствовали после первого поцелуя.
Это худший враг УБУ.
Для него нет слишком жестокой судьбы, нет слишком сильной ненависти.
На церемонии подписания устава Проекта Белуха присуствовало 592 офицеров ГОК и сотрудников Фонда. Наши войска исчислялись сотнями тысяч.
Я, д-р Лоренс Мишо, являюсь единственным оставшимся — и всегда буду. What I lack in numbers is compensated thousandfold by my weapons, my mind, my replicated bodies, and aeons of experience.
У записи ниже цель только одна: чтобы, когда УБУ получит по заслугам, люди в прекрасном, райском будущем без УБУ смогли понять, на что способен один человек, пользуясь силами точных наук и чистой эмоции, заплетенных в идеальную, неуничтожимую косу.
…and while we're at it, you're very welcome.
- Д-р Лоренс Мишо
Сокращенный список активаций SCP-001:
Цикл 1: "Первоначальный"
Описание: (See Previous Documentation)
Дата активации: 2.14.3030 н. э.
Notes: Initial discovery and usage of SCP-001.
Cycle 2: "Cooperation"
Описание: First year spent on perfecting the use of SCP-YEZ to achieve the spread-consciousness effect. The next 12,000 years focused on the expansion of the base Site-Beluga2, the creation of usable replicates for Dr. Michaud through the use of the onsite Hominid Replicators, clandestine collection of resources, and observation for any historical factors that would have led to the appearance of SCP-UBU. Remainder spent on securing Foundation resources & possible assistance.
Дата активации: 4.14.1995 н. э.
Notes: The SCP Foundation can no longer be trusted. (Best not to risk it with the GOC; that would be suicidal.)
Cycle 3: "Mousetrap"
Описание: Ownership of Kangaatsiaq, Greenland secured through a Project Beluga civilian front. Civilian population forcibly evacuated. Century prior to UBU appearance spent in the construction of BELUGA-1 in the epicenter of UBU's appearance.
BELUGA-1 consists of the following:
- 100 high-yield nuclear weapons.
- Heat-amplification runes copied from SCP-NSF.
- A targeting beacon for SCP-DAG.
- Five antimatter-gathering pods from SCP-HNM.
BELUGA-1 detonated on schedule on 5/12/2588 at 0533 GMT.
Дата активации: 9.1.2588 н. э.
Notes: SCP-UBU unharmed. Rampages proceeded similarly to Cycle 1, save for the additional environmental threat posed by the slowly expanding lake of magma in Greenland.
Cycle 4: "Competition"
Описание: Greater scope of clandestine control gained over the Foundation & Global Occult Coalition via the use of replicates. 25 years prior to UBU's scheduled arrival, SCP-2803-A was consulted via email.
SCP-2803-A: Sosososoo GOOT to am beeng do amrucan BUSNUS witf MESTERIUS forain invoster such as youselfl, mr micho. Or prhaps I shud say MON SEEUR micho? haha is lil joek.
Michaud: They weren't kidding when they said you had a sense of humor! But here's the thing, Mr. Gock: I've got a bit of inside information on the future of the consumer electronics market, if you'd like to hear — that is, unless you wouldn't wanna get your nose dirty with the feds?
SCP-2803-A: OOOOOOO YEES YEES i woud VERY MUSH liking do ing teh insidder tradigs hahaha ents jusderfy the meens amirite?? Ther is no contsern abt my nos becum durty on accont of — waaaate foar it — i ams verry larg pial of fletsh and donut haf a nos! SUKK IT, GOVARMET REGERLATIONS!
Michaud: Attaboy! Well, word on the street is: in about 25 years, something's gonna come up in Greenland that's gonna tank the global economy.
SCP-2803-A: nOO NOT ECOMMONY
Michaud: There's more. Some Eastern joker by the name of UBU wants to put a serious dent into consumer electronics in particular. If you've got any future projects slated for your tentpole IPs like Porridge or Massy, you'd better get 'em done before 2588 — because after that, people are gonna start spending their video game dollars on disaster relief!
SCP-2803-A: OH GREEF
SCP-2803-A: TIS IS AN OUTRAG
SCP-2803-A: TOTLEIGHSOFT IS NAT CAPPABLE OF DISATSER RELEEF
SCP-2803-A: TOTLEIGHSOFT PRODOOSES HI-QUALTY DISATSERS NOT RELEEFS THEM
Michaud: But, all is not lost. I've heard tell from those Foundation creeps that you have a unique skillset that could put this UBU guy in his place. Something about… obliterating?
SCP-2803-A: oohhoHOHOhoohOHoHhOh
SCP-2803-A: wel
SCP-2803-A: asa matter ov fac…
A year prior to UBU's arrival, SCP-2803-A announced a "strateejik merger" with "larg crabb thng corporashin" and promptly attacked, parasitized, and fused with SCP-169. The resulting creature was 1.5 times SCP-169's size and had multiple heads.
Billions died overnight from collateral damage. I tried to stick around and observe the inevitable fight with UBU for anything that could at least make the bastard flinch. The fight lasted centuries, but no damage whatsoever was done to anyone on either side. UBU finally made the killing slap when it stopped being fun.
Дата активации: 1.4.2992 н. э.
Notes: Moving forward, it would be best not to fight through a third party.
[truncated for brevity]
Cycle 273: "Spirited Away"
Описание: Increased the aperture from the BELUGA-94 project to teleport the entire continent of Greenland into another dimension after the UBU materialization event.
UBU and Greenland successfully disappeared on 5/12/2588 at 0534 GMT.
At 0539 GMT, a second UBU materialization event occurred in the exact same place. Rampage continued as normal.
Дата активации: 6.30.2588 н. э.
Notes: This, combined with the equally bizarre failures from Cycle 28, 57, 102-168, and 260 are causing unnecessary self-doubt. Considering modifying the central consciousness containment unit to identify any negativity directed toward the self and forcibly reroute it toward UBU.
[truncated for brevity]
Cycle 530: "UBU destruction attempt #530"
Описание: Site-ASSEMBLY established in Cyprus in 10,485 BCE. Construction of the BELUGA-X unit was completed over the course of 3,000 years at Site-ASSEMBLY.
To achieve this, the Church of the Broken God was infiltrated and forcibly repurposed into the False Pretense Labor Division of Project Beluga. Sarkic cult activity goes unchecked throughout much of Eastern Europe as a result. Damage deemed acceptable.
BELUGA-X is a heavily armed construct based on the design of SCP-2406. The "flesh-loosening" harpoons from BELUGA-580 were reconfigured as BELUGA-X'S primary weapon.
Shortly before the first encounter, Replicate-5818, BELUGA-X's pilot, was chosen as Majority Consciousness Holder.
BELUGA-X was deployed on the outskirts of Kangaatsiaq approximately ten minutes after the UBU Materialization Event…
(BELUGA-X examines the wreckage of the city.)
Replicate-5818: Target not sighted. Switching to exterior comms.
BELUGA-X: SCP-UBU. This planet is under the protection of Project Beluga. We know why you have attempted to invade, and for this, you must -
SCP-UBU: (Unintelligible)
Replicate-5818: Triangulating… two klicks southeast. Approaching.
BELUGA-X: Show yourself!
SCP-UBU: Meescho?
(BELUGA-X freezes.)
BELUGA-X: …no.
SCP-UBU: MEESCHO! Meescho-Meescho-Meescho!
BELUGA-X: I did NOT tell you my name! How the hell do you -
(UBU whistles the bathtime song. His skill with whistling has improved.)
BELUGA-X: …it's you. You're the original one. You've… how?!
(Ubu giggles hysterically.)
BELUGA-X: How did you survive?! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN FOLLOWING ME?!
(BELUGA-X charges for UBU's location. Mid-charge, the unit's right leg makes contact with a large pile of UBU dung. The entire BELUGA-X unit loses its footing and collapses.)
Replicate-5818: (Berserk shrieking.)
(Repeated thumping noises against the BELUGA-X cockpit. UBU howls.)
Дата активации: 5.12.2588 н. э.
Notes: no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no
[truncated for brevity]
CYCLE 675
Описание: MOON'S GRAVITATIONAL PULL INCREASED TO COLLIDE WITH UBU DURING MATERIALIZATION EVENT.
COLLISION SUCCESSFUL. EARTH DESTROYED.
DEBRIS TOO DENSE TO DETERMINE UBU'S STATUS.
Дата активации: 5.12.2588 н. э.
Notes: UNACCEPTABLE.
CYCLE 676
Описание: 90% OF HUMAN POPULATION OVER THE COURSE OF 10 MILLENNIA FORCIBLY CONVERTED BY REPLICATES TO A FRONT RELIGION CALLED "SPADE OF TRIUMPH" OR SPADISM DEVOTED TO THE CAUSE OF CREATING AS MANY BELUGA-900 UNITS AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE.
SEVERAL RELIGIOUS WARS ARE FOUGHT. 5.9 BILLION PEOPLE IN SLAVERY TO SPADISTS BY 2500 CE.
NOT ENOUGH WORKING BELUGA-900 UNITS ARE CONSTRUCTED TO MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE BEFORE THE MATERIALIZATION EVENT.
Дата активации: 10.25.2510 CE
Notes: UNACCEPTABLE.
CYCLE 677
Описание: IDENTICAL TO CYCLE 530 UNTIL 2500 CE.
BELUGA-X MARK II CREATED AND PILOTED DIRECTLY BY MY CONSCIOUSNESS.
FIRST USAGE OF BELUGA-X MARK II ON 12/25/2500. MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS. I USED IT TO DESTROY HALF OF ASIA IN EIGHT HOURS. DEFENSE DEPARTMENTS OF ALL NATIONAL SUPERPOWERS CRIPPLED BY DOUBLE AGENT REPLICATES. BILLIONS DEAD. SPENT TWO MONTHS SENDING EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE TO HELL FOR NO REASON.
Дата активации: 2.28.2501 н. э.
Notes: PRIME-NUMBERED CYCLES ARE FOR STRESS RELIEF.
CYCLE 678
Описание: ALL HOMINID REPLICATORS BROKEN BEYOND REPAIR. REPLICATE COUNT 305. SHOULD BE MINIMUM OF TEN MILLION. UNACCEPTABLE.
IN RETROSPECT THIS WAS LIKELY DUE TO THE SWITCH IN RAW MATERIALS BEGINNING WITH CYCLE 600. CREATION OF REPLICATES OUT OF RECYCLED REPLICATES AND SLAUGHTERHOUSE BY-PRODUCTS INSTEAD OF CAPTIVES HAS PUT SURPRISING LEVELS OF WEAR AND TEAR ON THE DEVICES DESPITE REGULAR UPKEEP. CLEARLY UBU HAS FORCED THIS UPON ME THROUGH TRICKERY AND PLAYING THE LONG GAME. NEVER FORGET. NEVER FORGIVE.
IF THAT WEREN'T ENOUGH THERE'S THE FACT THAT WITH THIS RESOURCE SHORTAGE I HAVE BEEN UNSUCCESSFUL IN MY ATTEMPTS TO SECURE SCP-319. THIS ITEM IS CRUCIAL TO PROJECT BELUGA OPERATIONS. TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE I'VE RUN OUT OF STOLEN SCP-2700 CORES TO USE AS BACKUP YK-CLASSES TO MAKE THE JUMP.
RESOURCES CURRENTLY INSUFFICIENT TO PLUNDER SCP-2000 FOR ADDITIONAL WORKING HOMINID REPLICATORS. CONTACT MUST BE MADE ONCE AGAIN WITH THE FOUNDATION IN ORDER TO RESOLVE REPLICATOR SHORTAGE. CYCLE 2 HAS INDICATED THAT COERCION THROUGH FORCE WILL BE SUFFICIENT.
IN THE MEANTIME, THE LONG-TERM GOALS OF PROJECT BELUGA HAVE BEEN MODIFIED. WHILE SIMULATIONS HAVE CONFIRMED THAT THE CONSTRUCTION OF 87 BILLION BELUGA-900 UNITS WOULD BE SUFFICIENT TO DESTROY UBU, DESTRUCTION OF OUR TARGET WOULD CARRY THE IMPLICATION OF AN EVENTUAL TERMINUS TO HORRIBLE THINGS HAPPENING TO HIM. THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE.
IN LIEU OF EXECUTION, CONTAINMENT OF SCP-UBU IS NOW THE TOP PRIORITY.
WHEN THIS OCCURS, THE FOLLOWING DOCUMENT WILL BE ENACTED…
ОБЪЕКТ №: SCP-УБУКЛАСС ОБЪЕКТА: ISCARIOTОСОБЫЕ УСЛОВИЯ СОДЕРЖАНИЯ: TO ENSURE THE ETERNAL AGONY THAT SCP-UBU EMPIRICALLY DESERVES, AREA-UBU HAS BEEN CONSTRUCTED WITHIN SITE-BELUGA'S METASPATIAL MAINFRAME.AREA-UBU IS A POCKET DIMENSION WHERE I AM GOD. IT CONSISTS OF ONE SQUARE KILOMETER OF WIDE OPEN FUCKING NOTHING. MY WILL CAUSES THIS AREA TO REPEAT AD INFINITUM DEPENDING ON WHERE SCP-UBU MOVES - IN LAYMAN'S TERMS, IF HE GOES NORTH, HE'LL SHOW UP AT THE SOUTHERN BORDER OF THE SAME GODDAMN SQUARE. ALONE. NO ONE TO RUN FROM HIM, NO ONE TO FIGHT HIM, NO ONE TO HURT BUT HIMSELF. AND IF HE TRIES TO KILL HIMSELF FOR AN EASY OUT, HIS EVERY WOUND WILL INSTANTLY REGENERATE. (GEE, WONDER HOW THAT FEELS.)THE FLOOR OF AREA-UBU IS INDESTRUCTIBLE. DOUBTLESS, UBU WILL POUND AND KICK AT IT FOR YEARS ON END. EVERY ATTEMPT WILL BE FUTILE. AND IF SCP-UBU TRIES TO SHIT AND PISS ON THE FLOOR AND LAP IT ALL UP - BECAUSE THIS IS LITERALLY HIS IDEA OF COMFORT FOOD - EVERYTHING BUT UBU WILL FALL INTO THE ENDLESS ABYSS BELOW. HE WILL CLAW AT THE FLOOR IN SEARCH OF WHAT WILL NEVER BE HIS. WEEPING. LANGUISHING.UBU WILL BE KEPT IN THIS UNCARING SOLITUDE FOR AS LONG AS IT TAKES FOR THE FUTILITY OF HIS SITUATION TO SET IN. HIS LAUGHTER WILL BECOME CONFUSION. HIS CONFUSION WILL BECOME ANGER. HIS ANGER WILL BECOME WHIMPERING. HIS WHIMPERING WILL BECOME BEGGING. HIS BEGGING WILL BECOME SOBBING. HIS SOBBING WILL BECOME WAILING. HE WILL EXPERIENCE THE SAME THING A FIVE-YEAR-OLD BOY EXPERIENCES WHEN HE DISCOVERS THAT HE WILL DIE SOMEDAY AND HIS MOMMY AND DADDY CAN'T TALK GOD INTO GIVING HIM AN EXCEPTION.WEEP FOR ME. WEEP FOR ME. WEEP FOR ME.IF SCP-UBU'S BRAIN WORKS ANYTHING LIKE A HUMAN'S - AND I HAVE MILLENNIA OF OBSERVATIONAL EVIDENCE TO PROVE THIS HYPOTHESIS - THAT MEANS THAT WHEN THE ISOLATION/TIME VECTOR REACHES THE HIGHEST POINT OF THE Y AXIS, HOPE WILL SET IN. THIS WILL BE ALLOWED. MAKE NO MISTAKE, I WISH NOTHING EVEN REMOTELY PLEASANT UPON HIM. BUT IF THE WORST PARTS OF IT WERE CONSISTENT, THAT WOULD BE COMFORTING IN ITSELF.SO JUST AS HE GETS USED TO HIS SURROUNDINGS - THAT IS WHEN I WILL SUMMON A DARK AND MOUNTAIN-HIGH AND UNSPEAKABLY STRONG VERSION OF MYSELF. WITH A VOICE LIKE THUNDER I WILL TELL HIM EXACTLY HOW FUCKED HE IS. THE LATENT PERCEPTION-TRANSLATION EFFECTS OF SITE-BELUGA WILL MEAN THAT WE WILL BOTH SPEAK THE SAME LANGUAGE. 3AND WHEN ALL IS SAID AND DONE, I WILL PICK HIM UP WITH FINGERS LIKE SCALPELS. I WILL TURN HIM INSIDE OUT. FOLD HIS TORN-OFF SKIN INTO MEAT ORIGAMI. KNIT HIS ENTRAILS INTO SWEATERS. KNEAD HIS FLESH LIKE CLAY AND GIVE NEW LIFE TO IT. HIS LIVING CORPSE WILL BIRTH A THOUSAND CHILDREN AND I WILL EAT EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM BECAUSE HE IS NOT ALLOWED TO REPRODUCE.AND FROM HIS DEFILED FLESH I WILL CLONE HIM A COMPANION. A WIFE. THE FIRST REAL FRIEND HE HAS EVER HAD. HE WILL FALL HOPELESSLY AND SUICIDALLY IN LOVE. BUT LIKE THE LORD AND THE PHARAOH, I WILL HARDEN HER HEART SO THAT MY WORKS MAY BE PROVEN. SHE WILL REJECT HIM CRUELLY AND VICIOUSLY. SHE WILL CURSE THE DAY SHE EVER MET SOMETHING SO OBJECTIVELY HIDEOUS AS SCP-UBU. AND IF THAT DOESN'T DRIVE THE POINT HOME ENOUGH, SHE WILL OFFER HER HEART TO ME. I WILL RESPOND BY STEPPING ON HER AND MAKING UBU EAT WHAT'S LEFT.THAT WILL BE HIS INTAKE. FOLLOWING THIS, I WILL MOVE ON TO ONE OF 148 LEVEL-TWO SUBROUTINES TO BE CHOSEN BASED ON READINGS FROM THE INITIAL SESSION. FOR A FULL LIST OF CURRENT CASTIGATION PROTOCOLS PLEASE REFER TO FUCK_YOU_SCP_UBU.TXT.(IT SHOULD BE NOTED BY STAFF THAT, AS I WROTE THESE PROCEDURES, I SMILED FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 1,583,200 YEARS. MY LIFE HAS MEANING AGAIN. SCREAM IT TO THE RAFTERS. DO MY MEMORY BANKS STILL HAVE MARY_POPPINS/I_LOVE_TO_LAUGH.MP3? THEY DO. LOUD AND LONG AND CLEAR, BITCHES.)ОПИСАНИЕ: REAP WHAT YOU SOW.