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Procedure 20-Murgatroyd Log for SCP-9005-A-RD18
(Note: PASS refers to an action that caused SCP-9005 to stop glowing.)
Procedure #: 1
Date: 1/11/2025
20-Murgatroyd Action(s):
- Subject said "fuck." — PASS
Notes: Inaugural action. Subject briefed on procedure.
Procedure #: 2
Date: 1/12/2025
20-Murgatroyd Action(s):
- Subject said "shit." — FAIL
- Subject said "damn." — FAIL
- Subject said "cunt." — FAIL
- Subject said "piss." — FAIL
Saying "[REDACTED]1"— Subject refused.- Subject said "[REDACTED]2" — FAIL
- Subject said "[REDACTED]3". — PASS
Notes: Different profanities fall under the same category of 20-Murgatroyd action, and as such, are no longer sufficient to reset the cycle. Ditto for slurs.
Procedure #: 3
Date: 1/13/2025
20-Murgatroyd Action(s):
- Subject told his favorite dirty joke. — FAIL4
- Subject told a dirty joke provided by Dr. Ashton. — FAIL5
- Subject bit his nails mid-conversation. — PASS
Notes: "Dirty joke" prompt will be attempted again later.
Procedure #: 4
Date: 1/14/2025
20-Murgatroyd Action(s):
- Subject accidentally slept in for two hours. — PASS
Notes: Passing threshold was met upon awakening.
Procedure #: 5
Date: 1/15/2025
20-Murgatroyd Action(s):
- Subject smoked a cigarette. — FAIL
- Subject smoked a cigarette after the director of Site-491 prohibited tobacco use onsite. — PASS
Notes: "I thought that was already a Foundation-wide reg! It's not like anyone smokes here in the first place... Jesus, what other bullshit is technically allowed here?!" — Director Perth
Procedure #: 6
Date: 1/16/2025
20-Murgatroyd Action(s):
- Following a special one-day referendum from the Site Director forbidding the act of whistling "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" while hopping on one foot and wearing a hat backwards, Subject whistled "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" while hopping on one foot and wearing a hat backwards. — FAIL6
- Without being explicitly instructed to do so, Subject whistled "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" while hopping on one foot and wearing a hat backwards. — FAIL7
- Without being explicitly instructed to do so, Subject whistled "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" while hopping on one foot and wearing a hat backwards after a special extension of the referendum was upheld by O5 Command. — FAIL8
- Subject neglected to say "bless you" after Dr. Ashton sneezed. — PASS
Notes: UPDATE
There has been a change of plans.
My presence is required at Site-59 for an emergency. My colleague, Dr. Trent Summers, has expressed a keen interest in this case. He has proposed a more effective approach than my own to maintain Procedure 20-Murgatroyd.
Moving forward, he will replace me as SCP-9005-A-RD18's containment manager as of tomorrow.- Dr. Mina Ashton
Before I take over for Dr. Ashton, I would just like to say that I've never been this excited about an anomaly in a long time. I see a lot of parallels between 9005-A-RD18 and myself, from about 20 years ago.
(Other than the horrible parasitic snake thing, but I was addicted to pornography at the time, so that evens out.)
My future was saved by people who cared about me and refused to give up. That's why I studied psychology, eventually becoming a therapist and a motivational speaker, before joining the Foundation.
Not only will I teach Robin to work around the Viper's need for a daily wrongdoing. I will also teach him how to improve himself as a person in spite of it.
This is my vow: 20 years from now, you'll see Mr. Dabrowski as a tenured and respected employee of the Foundation who would rather not talk about that weird lump under his collar. Because at that point, it'll no longer be anything to worry about.
Let's do this.— Dr. Trent Summers
Interview Log — Re-Intake Following Change in Containment Management
Interviewer: Dr. Trent Summers
Interviewed: SCP-9005-A-RD18
Date/Time: 1/17/2025, 10:00 AM
<Begin Log>
[Dr. Summers adjusts his bowtie.]
[9005-A-RD18 enters the interrogation room, sitting down.]
Summers: Good morning, Robin.
9005-A-RD18: Hi, Doc!
Summers: You seem to be in... unusually good spirits, given your situation.
9005-A-RD18: I mean, it still hurts a little, but that DESPARD stuff is crazy good. It's like it went from "ouchie skin wires" to "bad headache" over a few days.
...hmm. You look different today, Doc.
Summers: I'm not Dr. Ashton. I'm Dr. Summers.
9005-A-RD18: That was gonna be my second guess. Where'd Dr. Ashton go?
Summers: She said she needed a break from you for mental health reasons.
9005-A-RD18: Huh?
Summers: Yeah. Apparently, you made her feel naked and vulnerable every time you opened your mouth. Like a rabbit caught in a snare.
9005-A-RD18: What? ... Really?
Summers: Her words, not mine.
...
9005-A-RD18: Geez... I wish she woulda told me.
Summers: She wanted to, but she couldn't. You created an environment where telling you the truth is dangerous.
9005-A-RD18: But why would she be scared? She knows I don't wanna hurt nobody.
Summers: You thought she knew. But in the end, you're still a very large man she was regularly trapped in a room with, and that carries with it a level of responsibility that you could have recognized. Your intentions and the effect you have on others are not always one and the same.
Now, then — since I'm going to be taking charge of your containment, I might as well get to know you better. I'm going to ask you some questions, and —
9005-A-RD18: I'm sorry.
Summers: Just drop it, Robin. You're being given a fresh start, so do better. Let's move on.
9005-A-RD18: Okie-dokie...
Summers: So. Let's start with my biggest question for you right off the bat: why did you change your middle name to The Jinglanator?
9005-A-RD18: Oh! That's 'cause someday — mark my words — this guy's I'm gonna be the go-to guy for advertising jingles. I got thousands! I tingle with jingle. It's in my blood! It's —
Summers: Yes, yes, I get it. But why didn't you change "Robin" or "Dabrowski?"
9005-A-RD18: One's my heritage and the other's a cute birdie.
Summers: I see.
9005-A-RD18: Yup! 'Cause all my family likes Batman, and I had a parakeet named "The Browski" once.
Summers: So your original middle name was the expendable one? There had to have been a good reason to change it to something so frivolous. For one thing, that could effect your job prospects.
[9005-A-RD18 slowly turns toward the floor.]
9005-A-RD18: ...Simon.
Summers: Huh?
9005-A-RD18: That was my original middle name. Robin Simon Dabrowski.
Summers: That's sensible enough.
9005-A-RD18: But Simon's my dad's name.
Summers: And what's wrong with —
9005-A-RD18: My dad did some Law & Order: SVU-type stuff when I was a baby. Now he's gotta make license plates forever.
Summers: ...Ah.
9005-A-RD18: Yeah.
Summers: And what, exactly, did he do?
9005-A-RD18: I don't wanna talk about it.
Summers: Was it to you?
9005-A-RD18: Nah, it was some girls.
Summers: I see. And how old were these —
9005-A-RD18: I don't wanna talk about it.
Summers: Then perhaps we can discuss this later.
9005-A-RD18: I don't wanna talk about it at all.
Summers: Okay, Robin? I'm just asking questions. You are under no obligation to answer any of these questions, but I'm going to have to ask you to use a less hostile tone of voice. This is the kind of stuff that made Dr. Ashton feel so violated.
9005-A-RD18: ... Sorry.
Summers: "Sorry" doesn't fix anything. Just do better, okay?
9005-A-RD18: Okie-dokie.
Summers: Next question: what drew you to writing advertising jingles so much?
9005-A-RD18: Well, my mom was afraid that I'd grow up to turn out like my dad. Said I had the same dead look in my eyes. That's why she handed me over to Uncle Bogdan and Aunt Justyna.
Summers: I thought you said you didn't want to talk about that.
9005-A-RD18: And I still don't.
Summers: And yet, you —
9005-A-RD18: This isn't about what my dad did.
Summers: But I asked you an unrelated question.
9005-A-RD18: It is related. You didn't let me finish.
Summers: I see. Go on, then.
9005-A-RD18: ...sorry about my tone.
Summers: I didn't say anything.
9005-A-RD18: Right. Well, my mom didn't wanna visit me or even look at me anymore once I turned six. Said it was only a matter of time before I followed my dad's path.
I wanted to prove her wrong. I wanted to be the kind of person who wouldn't hurt anyone.
So I asked Uncle Bogdan, "What's the most harmless job I could have when I grow up?"
And he said "Uh, advertising?"
So I combined that with the love of music I already had. And like that, a star was born! ...A nice and harmless star that's not gonna fall on anyone's head.
Anyway, my uncle runs a Ford dealership, so I wrote my magnum opus for him. The day I saw it in an honest-to-God TV commercial was the greatest day of my life. I based it on the main theme from the first movement of Mozart's 40th. It goes like this.
[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-hJf4ZffkoI He sings with a surprisingly pleasant baritone.]]
Buy our cars, buy our cars, buy our cars, please!
We got Fords, new and used, at Dabrowski's!
Expeditions, Escapes, and Explorers!
F-150s, so please don't ignore us!
You'll get zero down at signing!
Buy a car or I'll keep whining!
Any credit's good, so what the heck are you waiting for?!
DAAA-BROW! SKIII FORD!
AAAAT LEX-ING-TON AND LOOOORD!
I got a full back tattoo of the lyrics last year.
...
Summers: ...Next question.
9005-A-RD18: Okie-dokie.
Summers: When's the last time you made a girl cum?
9005-A-RD18: Hmm... OH! Two months ago!
Summers: Really?
9005-A-RD18: Yeah! I ordered some pizza on Grubhub. And a girl brought the pizza. It's usually a guy, but it was a girl that time.
Summmers: And then, you...?
9005-A-RD18: Ate the pizza.
Summers: She... came?
9005-A-RD18: With the pizza, yes. Pretty good pizza, too!
Summers: Moving on! When's the last time you had sex?
9005-A-RD18: Oh, uh, soon! Hopefully! ...heh.
Summers: When's the last time you kissed a girl?
9005-A-RD18: Uh...
Summers: Hugged a girl? Held hands with a girl?
9005-A-RD18: Could we do these one at a time?
Summers: When is the last time a girl plainly and truthfully expressed something other than fear or discomfort in your presence?
9005-A-RD18: Two weeks ago, next question!
[SCP-9005 stops glowing.]
Summers: That will be all for today.
<End Log>
Procedure #: 7
Date: 1/17/2025
20-Murgatroyd Action(s):
- Subject lied. — PASS
Notes: "First 20-Murgatroyd under my supervision. Figured it best to keep Dr. Ashton's actual reasons for leaving classified due to infosec concerns." — Dr. Summers
Procedure #: 8
Date: 1/18/2025
20-Murgatroyd Action(s):
- Subject ate breakfast rations with his fingers rather than utensils. — FAIL
- Subject attempted 20-Murgatroyd without first consulting Dr. Summers. — PASS
Notes: "Discussed heredity's effect on moral character during second extended questioning about his life." — Dr. Summers
Procedure #: 9
Date: 1/19/2025
20-Murgatroyd Action(s):
- Subject deliberately refused to leave bed for an hour after waking up. — PASS
Notes: "Subject claimed to have trouble sleeping after our tense meeting last night." — Dr. Summers
Procedure #: 10
Date: 1/20/2025
20-Murgatroyd Action(s):
Punching Dr. Summers in the face— Subject refused.Kicking Dr. Summers— Subject refused.Slapping Dr. SummersSubject refused.Shoving Dr. SummersSubject refused.Insulting Dr. SummersSubject refused.- Subject continually and deliberately refused to cooperate. — PASS
Notes: "Worth note that this will only work to fulfill 20-Murgatroyd once." — Dr. Summers
Procedure #: 11
Date: 1/21/2025
20-Murgatroyd Action(s):
- Subject neglected to eat breakfast. — PASS
Notes: "Have not discounted the possibility of early 20-Murgatroyds being tacit attempts to get out of our uncomfortable but necessary questioning sessions. Additional questioning scheduled before bedtime." — Dr. Summers
Procedure #: 12
Date: 1/22/2025
20-Murgatroyd Action(s):
- Subject refused to go to the gym. — FAIL9
- Subject refused to get a real job. — FAIL10
- Subject refused to lose weight. — FAIL11
- Subject refused to grow up. — FAIL12
- Subject wrote an insulting song about Dr. Summers in his personal notebook. — PASSED
Notes: "20-Murgatroyd parameters met without my knowledge. Notebook confiscated." - Dr. Summers
Procedure #: 13
Date: 1/23/2025
20-Murgatroyd Action(s):
- Firing a gun without authorization. — PASS
Notes: EMERGENCY UPDATE
This is a message to all personnel of Site-491's humanoid containment wing.
This morning, a 9mm handgun loaded with blanks was found under the pillow of SCP-9005-A-RD18, an anomaly under my care. The subject did not smuggle this gun into containment. He fired the gun once to test if it was loaded, but otherwise dutifully handed it over.
I'm going to conduct my own investigation, but if this happens again, I will request a full audit of site security.- Dr. Summers
Experiment Log: Procedure 20-Murgatroyd #14
Date/Time: 1/24/2025, 3:00 PM
<Begin Log>
[Dr. Summers and SCP-9005-A-RD18 approach the door to a testing chamber.]
9005-A-RD18: Are we doin' it in a different room this time?
Summers: 20-Murgatroyd will only let you chase loopholes from the comfort of your cell for so long. At some point, we have to branch out to new kinds of misbehavior.
...
9005-A-RD18: Hey, Doc?
Summers: Yes?
9005-A-RD18: I'm gonna run out of ways to finish at some point, aren't I?
Summers: Oh, Robin. Don't be so negative. So long as you apply yourself and keep an open mind, you've got plenty of years ahead of you. In fact, maybe there's even a cure...
9005-A-RD18: Really? Geez, Doc, thank you so —
Summers: ...is what you want me to say, but you will not emotionally manipulate me into becoming your personal cheerleader. Do better.
9005-A-RD18: Okie-dokie.
Summers: Good answer.
[He indicates the door.]
Now, see this door?
9005-A-RD18: Mm-hmm.
Summers: I'm gonna have you go in this room. There's another man in it. You are not leaving this room until you punch that man in the face.
9005-A-RD18: What?!
Summers: Don't worry. He's a death row inmate. I swear he deserves it.
9005-A-RD18: I've never punched anyone before...
Summers: One, you were a bouncer. Two, you already lied, so that won't pass 20-Murgatroyd anymore.
Relax, Robin. Trust your family instincts.
[Summers winks.]
[RD18 glances at Summers, then concentrates. His fists ball up.]
9005-A-RD18: Okay, just... gimme a sec. Gotta get into Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots mode over here.
[The door opens. 9005-A-RD18 enters.]
Summers: Go get 'im, slugger!
[The door closes.]
[It's an empty interrogation room, save for D-18587 tied to a chair in the center. He glowers at 9005-A-RD18.]
9005-A-RD18: ...hi. I'm Robin.
D-18587: ...
9005-A-RD18: Listen, uh, I kinda have to punch you in the face, so... just let me know when you're ready, okay? Maybe take some deep breaths, get psyched up for it, y'know? I'll make it quick, I promise, just — would it help if I untied you so you get a chance to dodge? Maybe attempted punching still counts. Like, people still go to jail for attempted murder, so —
D-18587: PUSSY!
9005-A-RD18: [Giggles] I like kitties too. Meow-meow.
[D-18587 grins. He remembers the line Dr. Summers fed him.]
D-18587: Heard you still believe in Santa.
[RD18 takes a second to compose himself.]
[He kneels down to D-18587's eye level.]
9005-A-RD18: Look, I get how that sounds. I've heard the thing about how it's physically impossible to one man to visit that many children in one night without breaking lightspeed or whatever. But I've done the theoretical groundwork about it. Santa Claus doesn't follow conventional methods of cause and effect. He's capable of being in more than one place at once because he can bend the laws of time. Every Christmas Eve is a self-sustaining time loop repeated for every child ever. I realize that sounds extremely implausible without evidence, but I've put years of effort into manifesting this into empirical reality. I'm sorry if you had your hopes set on Santa not being real, but it's well past the point of inevitability by now, and in fact, by 2030, I'm confident he'll run for office.
D-18587: You know why he doesn't visit you every year?
9005-A-RD18: Good question! For one thing, I'm 20 years old and stopped being in his gift-giving jurisdiction at age 16. For another —
D-18587: 'Cause you live within 500 feet of a school and he's into little boys.
...
...
[RD18 uppercuts him hard enough for the chair to be uprooted from its screws on the floor.]
[SCP-9005 stops glowing.]
[Once he sees blood on the ceiling, RD18 trembles, backing away toward the door.]
9005-A-RD18: ...sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry soRRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY
[The door opens.]
<End Log>
Procedure #: 14
Date: 1/24/2025
20-Murgatroyd Action(s):
- Subject punched D-18587 hard enough to cause a brain hemorrhage. — PASS
Notes: "When the door opened, I saw the face of a man who refused to admit how much twisted pseudo-sexual gratification he was feeling from giving a stranger life-threatening injuries. Explained this to the subject in detail. Subject will not stop crying as I type this. This has been a very irritating week." - Dr. Summers
Procedure #: 15
Date: 1/25/2025
20-Murgatroyd Action(s):
- Subject threw his cell's desk lamp at his door when summoned for a meeting with Dr. Summers. — PASS
Notes: "The Ethics Committee has obligated me to teach him at least one calming exercise. Slipped a worksheet on breathing techniques under his cell door."