WARNING WARNING WARNING. ATTEMPTING TO IMPERSONATE A MEMBER OF THE O5 COUNCIL IS PUNISHABLE BY TERMINATION, SUPER TERMINATION, AND/OR NECROTIZING FUCKTROCUTION. IF YOU ARE NOT A MEMBER OF THE O5 COUNCIL, CLOSE THIS PANEL IN THE NEXT FIVE SECONDS OR FACE IMMINENT DEPLOYMENT OF A FRITO/BANDITO-CLASS LETHAL COGNITOHAZARD. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED, AND THIS IS THE LAST TIME THAT YOU WILL BE WARNED. YOU WILL NOT BE WARNED A SECOND TIME. THREE WARNINGS ARE RIGHT OUT. ENJOY YOUR DESICCATED CORPSE, NERD.

Hello, new member of the O5 Council. If you are reading this, you have been inducted into the Council and will now be informed about the true nature of SCP-2950-J.

It literally does exactly what it describes, and nothing else.

You may have heard a bunch of rumors about this thing secretly being an ZXK-Omega-Black End-of-the-Freaking-Everything Scenario waiting to happen, and some weird shit about perception-based shapeshifting and the like, but I can assure you, this thing is just a postcard that induces a half-day of misanthropy and nothing more. In fact, this collapsible is pretty much just to keep the Level 4's and lower on their toes. A nervous researcher is a productive researcher!

You can go about your business. And congrats on the promotion.

- O5-4

AND IT'S HOWLING FOR YOU TO FUCKING CHILL ABOUT THIS STUPID POSTCARD.

I'm pretty sure a tablespoon of non-anomalous couch lint is deadlier than this fucking postcard. You could at least choke on the former in its present form, and you'd have to really work at the latter to get it in a choke-on-able state.

We have literally thousands of bigger things to worry about. Y'all are stupid.

- O5-4

Alright, you persistent little turd. You think this is another thing like that goddamn air coupler, don't you?

Look. We had to go through some sources familiar with anomalous objects - even our enemies - all so we could all collectively stop bitching about this postcard being the Antichrist or something. Here are the unanimous results about whether or not this SCP-2950-J is dangerous:

Global Occult Coalition: "Meh. I'd still blow it up though."

Serpent's Hand: "Big deal, we've got like 500 of these in the Library."

Chaos Insurgency: "I mean, we could use it to destroy the Universe, but we'd have to add a lot of antimatter. Which pretty much goes for all other matter."

Oneiroi Collective: "Not worth dreaming about."

Church of the Broken God: "In its master plan to unify the cosmos in a massive, ironclad equation, MEKHANE obviously had to generate surplus that would ultimately be useless in the long run. This postcard is one of such by-products."

Sarkic Cults: "0/10 Doesn't even give me cancer."

Dr. Wondertainment: "Safe for ages 0 and up!"

Marshall, Carter, and Dark: "Poppycock."

Are We Cool Yet?: "I think the artist was trying to make a comment on the inherent folly of pessimism and misanthropy, and how they believe we should live for the moment rather than critique every action the human race takes."

Unusual Incidents Unit: "Hey, humans don't suck!"

So are we clear?

THIS THING IS GOING TO KILL NOBODY.

SO SHUT UP. THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME.

- O5-4

_{What do you mean, it's going to kill me?}